Having a Really Bad Day!!

Today my depression is in control I have ran out of anti-depressants and have to have a mental health review before I can be issued with anymore, I tried booking into the dr’s the other day but gave up as the earliest online booking is July 10th and the local crisis team are as much help as a bag of shit in the microwave.

So i’m going cold turkey as they say but not doing to well at this minute! dad says I need to learn that no one wants me in this world and that I need to start finding a way to making sure the world don’t miss me he thinks I should go join mum because it was my actions that put her where she is so its only right that I should have the same fate.

He is right because they couldn’t make a decision when they needed to I made it and in the end that was the reason why mum died, I choice to withdraw treatment and let the infection she had do its worst.

3 years down the line and 2 stays in hospital myself maybe I should took that decision for myself when I last had a infection, no one is allowed to visit the house anymore and if and rarely they do he makes it obvious that he don’t want them near.

He won’t answer the phone or take delivers when i’m not here dad won’t even allow me to order shopping online constantly using the same comment every time that “o I’ll get your brother to get me my stuff as i’m to much effort for your lazy body, all the things we gave you and didn’t take ourselves just for you to treat us both like this!! you should be ashamed of yourself”

I’m ashamed of myself i’m ashamed that I don’t have anyone on my side anymore and that I promised to mum I would care for dad as long as he needed me as I did for her regardless of what was thrown my way and that I would never take anything for it or ask for anyone’s help, and so far I haven’t done anything like that and have no intention of doing so.. By the time dad goes I could be gone myself but that wouldn’t be anyone’s lose really.

Why!

I cant deal with things as they are I’m losing everything and everyone and all people want to do is stick the pins in deeper, I need help and support I need a friend to talk to but I have nothing! I really don’t feel well but dad says it’s a excuse so as to not do anything and be a lazy bastard like always.

I do all I’m told plus more and still no one is happy? I’m trying to fix my past issues but just end up making things worse. Everyone says they are taking action against me so I regret talking to people but I need someone to just give me a break! I talk to you because I trust you. I dont feel intimidated by you or threatened just relaxed in the fact that you will listen and be a friend instead of a enemy.

I can’t handle the constant arguments and shouting anymore, I can’t take the constant pressure of trying to get things right even when i don’t know what’s right

Why can’t it be how it was why can’t I just relax knowing someone I trust will listen and talk to me instead of constantly telling me off for even texting or not even messaging me at all.

Social services say they are unable to provide me with support because I don’t meet the criteria, and dad isn’t willing to pay for help as he says that he has paid enough in his lifetime now it’s there turn to pay him out.. I cant afford to be unwell as they is no one as my backup and he won’t allow anyone in the house.. I’m not talking just getting on with it all hoping people will just leave me alone.

The car is filled up with fuel and I’m hoping no one has another go at me for trying to fix things. Bcos I am not sure what I might end up doing all I know is that they are safer than their think with me, because unlike they believe I do really care abt them but not how they have taken it in the past.

Feeling alone?

It’s been a while since I last posted a blog entry as my life got better, sadly for me that didn’t last long and due to dad being told surgeons won’t replace his knee joints he has started to give up, and in the process he is daily having a dig at me because I choose at hospital for dr not to pursue.

Constantly Blamed

Yesterday and today has been the same, now speech just a constant dig at what I do and who I have has friends and how i’m useful for the purpose, but if I go out I get calls asking where I am and what i’m doing and that i’m leaving him to his own devices and what if he has a accident then he will make sure i’m blamed for it.

I just need this to stop, he says he’s lonely and wants to join mum as soon as possible however way he can,

I don’t deserve to be here?

This morning started well I was up at 8.30 and although rather wheezy and tired as well as a bit light headed I was up but when I went down stairs I all of a sudden wished I was back in bed, the minute I got downstairs dad started crying.

Telling me he didn’t deserve to be here anymore and wishing i’d make mistakes with his medication so that he don’t wake up, I explained that I couldn’t do that of which he said if I couldn’t then he would.

Sadly I had to explain to he that should he do that it would probably be seen that I would have murdered him and I would be jailed for that, his response was “you deserve it! your decision caused my wife of 40 years to die 3 yrs ago and I will never forgive you for that” I made a decision to withdraw treatment because mum was suffering and all the facts where placed in front of dad and my brother by medical staff and their wouldn’t make a decision so someone had to, I sign documents to not resuscitate mum should she go into cardiac arrest.

five nights later she suffered sepsis and subsequently went into cardiac arrest, the medical staff did what I signed to say they could do she was out of pain vascular dementia had taken her mind, and Heart Disease took her life.

I have medical knowledge which meant I was fully aware of my decision however in hindsight maybe I should have said no and walked away like they did.

I took dad down to mum’s grave and I spent most of the morning cutting and refreshing the carnations on mum’s grave dad stayed in the car, addiment that he wants to join her soon!! I’ve locked his medication away and contacted the GP of which they have said their isn’t much they can do if he refuses help of which he has.

I give up I need to get out I can’t deal with all this again I wish I had friends I wish I had people to talk to who would help me but I upset so many people that they all walked away and no one returned.

I live in a lonely world constantly being reminded of a family decision that ended up being my decision and at every option available reminded of how I let everyone down.

Another Tough Day!

To day his been hard work, this morning I got up at 9am finally and spent quite a bit of time trying to stop my chest from wheezing and work out a way of carrying on the day, before I could do that those dad decided he wanted the front room hoovering as well as the kitchen cleaning unfortunately he wasn’t able to do it himself because of the pain in his back, which he now refuses to take pain killers for!!

I hate sitting and watching him crying in pain and I can’t do anything to help he says its my fault that he’s like this and that its now my job to look after him, but I don’t know what to do so I just do the things that will make him happy.

I cleaning the front room as well as the kitchen then took the clean washing upstairs and folded it and put it away, then I went for a shower and wish I hadn’t, it took me 90 minutes and two puffs of my inhaler as I couldn’t get my breath. I wish dad would allow people into the house to help me but he won’t so its just me and I am slowly running out of steam.

I’ve not had a proper shower for nearly 2 months and i’m ashamed to say I can’t shower on my own I need help dispite the hand rails and seats in the shower its still hard work. I’d love to have a shower every day just like i’d love to have just one proper meal a week how it used to be but sadly that’s never going to happen so I may as well give up on that idea.

Why did mum have to leave me, and why do I constantly get he blame for things not being how they used to be!! I just want a life where it was easy.

On a lighter note though tonight I helped with some fundraising at a Tesco extra store on London road, with a old friend and had great fun and it was a change from what i’m used to these days.

No one having a go at me just lots of laughs and nice company, wish it was like that everyday but its not!!!

Tiring day!

Today has been fun but tiring I took dad to morrisons Coalville so we could do some shopping its hard work on your own lifting a electric scooter in and out of the car as well as walking around a two football pitches size supermarket.

I can’t admit to dad that I’m struggling to lift things and walk the distances again, he won’t allow anyone to help us he turns them away the minute they offer and then tells me off for asking for help when I still owe him for the past.

I can’t tell him how difficult I’m finding it to wake up each morning their is no air and my head is light but he don’t want to listen and I don’t seems to be able to find a way of fixing things anymore.

This evening I’ve been helping at the centre I’m a trustee for its been fun again i’d forgotten just how fun fundraising was, I don’t mind having the piss taken out of me or bring the brunt of jokes as long as people are smiling and making donations I’m happy.

But I’m tired and I dare not tell people I dare not tell that my respiratory disease is making fun things tiring again it always roans everything good that I like to do, I thought doing this would be a great way of taking my mind off things but again I’m paying for it I’m sitting here in mums old chair typing my blog and thinking if I should have a nebulizer or just stick to the inhaler and hope for the best.

Why!

I cant deal with things as they are I’m losing everything and everyone and all people want to do is stick the pins in deeper, I need help and support I need a friend to talk to but I have nothing! I really don’t feel well but dad says it’s a excuse so as to not do anything and be a lazy bastard like always.

I do all I’m told plus more and still no one is happy? I’m trying to fix my past issues but just end up making things worse. Everyone says they are taking action against me so I regret talking to people but I need someone to just give me a break! I talk to you because I trust you. I dont feel intimidated by you or threatened just relaxed in the fact that you will listen and be a friend instead of a enemy.

I can’t handle the constant arguments and shouting anymore, I can’t take the constant pressure of trying to get things right even when i don’t know what’s right

Why can’t it be how it was why can’t I just relax knowing someone I trust will listen and talk to me instead of constantly telling me off for even texting or not even messaging me at all.

Social services say they are unable to provide me with support because I don’t meet the criteria, and dad isn’t willing to pay for help as he says that he has paid enough in his lifetime now it’s there turn to pay him out.. I cant afford to be unwell as they is no one as my backup and he won’t allow anyone in the house.. I’m not talking just getting on with it all hoping people will just leave me alone.

The car is filled up with fuel and I’m hoping no one has another go at me for trying to fix things. Bcos I am not sure what I might end up doing all I know is that they are safer than their think with me, because unlike they believe I do really care abt them but not how they have taken it in the past.

Scared of losing!

Its been 43 years since I applied for my Disability Living Allowance and back then I was awarded it for the whole of my lifetime, but in April 2013 the benefit reforms came into force and at the time thousands of disabled people like myself lost their lives trying to prove that their disability was something which meant they couldn’t work.

At the time their was two areas assessed and three rates,  Low, Middle & High now there are Two areas with only Two Rates.

It was decided in 2013 that there would be no more indefinite entitlement like I have now and the DLA would be renamed as PIP – Personal Independence Payment the idea being that the govement would save money and make it so only thought who are truly entitled would gain the benefit.

I received my letter on Saturday advising me that I would need to apply for my pip’s form before the 16th of May else I will lose my allowance, I’m scared though I’ve upset so many people thanks to the depression caused by me losing my mum three years ago, she was always on my side she would take on things like this and fight for it.

I have no fight these days I feel that my fixed airways disease and the other conditions I have will not be enough to make me entitled to PIPs and I will have to find my way in a world I’m not used to where I will have to earn over £500 a month just to cover the cost of my medication each month and should I need antibiotics i’ll have to decided whether I have enough money to pay for them before I even go to the dr’s.

Their is no exemptions for my disease in the current prescription system, without lots of support I will struggle in a workplace environment and will find it difficult enough to even write a letter.

Its ok for most and I’ve never explained how scared I am to anyone how do I explain to people that I’ve never had a interview in my life, I’ve never worked anywhere for more than one week.

And I would even struggle to get to work on time because my medication won’t allow me to have the instant energy that companies expect..

The one person I hope will support me I know won’t and my fears of being cast to one side will make my condition worse.

Cold Thursday

Today has been really wet and somewhat cold but I’ve struggled through my nose has been running like a hosepipe and my chest is wheezy again, unfortunately I’ve got to leave it a couple of days before I can seek medical help as It could just been the fluid that is always at the base of my lungs as normal.

People see me as the a person who is always joking around and trying to keep others smiling but no one sees the other side, the side where you get up out of bed and just wish I could get back in and forget the day.. Respiratory Disease is life changing things the ordinary every day person thinks nothing of doing is something that a disease sufferer ends up spending time thinking if its really worth it.

Today my memory isn’t great and my chest feels like i’m breathing through a strew.